3 Things That Can Get In The Way Of Self-Compassion

This is a guest post by Henny Flynn and is part of my 2022 Non-Diet Resolution Challenge. If you’re reading this at any time in January, click this link to sign up and join us! It’s never too late and I’m always happy to have you. You can also listen to the bonus podcast episode here.

self-compassion

Dr. Kristin Neff, the researcher and renowned expert in the science of self-compassion, says: “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” For me, this feels like the simplest and clearest explanation of what self-compassion is… and why it’s so vital for us all. We all need kindness and care, but sometimes we find it hard to access it within ourselves. And menopause can make it feel particularly challenging.

There are many things that can get in the way of being our own best friend; things that can feel difficult to shift - but that we all have the power to change. I’m going to focus on three areas here - all of them come up regularly in coaching sessions with my clients: limiting beliefs, resistance to change and the stories we carry.

Understanding what’s getting in the way of our own self-compassion can be a very useful step in accessing it more easily. And from there, we can start to really build our reserves of self-compassion, so it’s always there, whenever we need it. Some of the examples I’ve used here may resonate with you - if yes, my hope is that the tips I’ve included to deepen self-compassion will be useful to you too.

Limiting beliefs
One of the things that can hold us back from creating positive changes in our lives can be limiting beliefs. And these beliefs you hold about yourself can block you from being truly compassionate to yourself. We all have the ability to change how we feel about these ‘truths’ we hold inside. And the first step is to identify what those beliefs are.

To begin to shift these beliefs, the invitation is to explore your own beliefs about what self-compassion means to you. You can do this exercise on your own or with someone you trust.

Take a piece of paper and write down all the things you ‘believe’ about self-compassion. Don’t censor yourself. There may be some positive statements here, there may be some negative statements. Whatever you write is ok. The task is simply to notice what comes up. And, by allowing yourself to explore this, without judgement, you’re practising self-compassion!

Now, take one of the limiting beliefs and think about what its positive opposite would be.

For example:

“I’m not worthy of self-compassion” could become “I am worthy of self-compassion”
“Self-care is selfish” could become “Self-care is essential”
“I haven’t time to care for myself AND everybody else” could become “When I care fully for myself I’m better able to care for others too”

Once you’ve chosen your limiting belief, and written its positive opposite, answer this question…If you knew that [positive opposite] were true, how might you act?

Inner resistance to change

For many women, even when we believe ourselves to be well-informed, menopause can arrive earlier than we expected and / or bring changes we hadn’t anticipated. We may also be holding a limiting belief such as “I’m not old enough to be feeling like this” or an assumption, deep down, that menopause is the end of life as we know it, or some part of us might be feeling angry with our bodies for putting us through this.

All of these thoughts and feelings can lead us to resist the changes we’re experiencing. And it’s completely understandable that we may feel this way. 100 years ago the average age for women to experience menopause was 57 - and the average lifespan was 59. Today, the average age to reach menopause is 51… and we live, on average, into our 80’s. So it’s no wonder that culturally there’s still a sense that menopause comes at the end of our lives, because a hundred years ago, it did. And cultures have long memories!

This resistance to change can be a powerful blocker to self-compassion. If we imagine the sensation of ‘resistance’, it’s a tough, hard-edged thing that holds back anything that pushes against it, whereas self-compassion is softer and brings a sense of flow.

Once again, just noticing any resistance you may be feeling can be the start of helping it dissolve. These questions may be useful to reflect on:

What are you resisting?
How does it serve you to resist it? Note down everything you can think of, including the tiny things you might think aren’t of value.
How could it serve you to ‘allow’ instead of resist? Again, note down everything, be really expansive with your answers.
How could deeper self-compassion support you with what you’re experiencing? Remembering this is about showing ourselves the same kindness and care we’d show a good friend.
Who else could help you here?

The stories we tell ourselves

As we’ve seen, self-compassion can feel hard because of beliefs or assumptions we’ve established along the way of our life. Another blocker can be the stories we carry with us. When we think about menopause, the stories we inherit from our families, the media and our culture can be powerful data sources. We adopt or inherit or create these stories (from information we gather subconsciously) and these stories then inform how we perceive our experience – but our stories can be based on outdated information.

For example, one of my own stories was that putting on weight during menopause was my fault. It meant I was ‘failing’ in some way. And when I ‘failed’ at denial dieting too, that just compounded my sense that it was ‘my fault’. This story came from a number of places including the media and diet culture. Changing that story into something much more compassionate meant I was able to transform how I saw my body and how I felt about myself. I went from ‘I need to be thinner’ to ‘I want to feel stronger’. And it worked. I now love how my body looks and feels, with all its wrinkles, curves and saggy parts!

We all have a choice over whether we continue to believe the stories we carry (whatever their source) - or to release them… and write OUR OWN menopause story. Sometimes we just need a little support to help us along the way.

To map your menopause stories, take a look at the My MenoMap free download here.

Creating a deeper sense of self-compassion is something that serves us across our whole life, not just during menopause.

And one additional approach you may want try is to challenge what self-care means to you... and see how you can make it something even broader and deeper. So instead of seeing self-care as things like having a hot bath or taking time out to do something you enjoy, how would it be to change the words you use to speak to yourself - that 'self-talk' - so you practice self-compassion in everything you say?

It can be a beautiful way of reframing those limiting beliefs, of challenging that inner resistance to change and of re-writing those stories we tell ourselves.

Henny helps people make and manage deep and lasting change by creating a bedrock of self-compassion and self-awareness. She's a coach, author, podcaster and retreat host. Her work is underpinned by her deep understanding of the power of non-judgement and profound self-care in effecting positive, powerful change. To learn more about Henny and her work, including her books, community and podcast, visit her website!